me: *tossing and catching a baby*
her: OMG PUT HIM DOWN
me: stupid ugly baby
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children