@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

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@josePhDhoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

@T_Bonezzz

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave

@Emonalisha

If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check

@ehchino

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

@slimmy_shady

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

@AtticusFinch79

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

@Abusitron

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

@DirtMcTurd

I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…

@BromanConsul

“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him