Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
My teenage children choosing violence
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit