Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

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If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.


Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?


My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?


My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?


Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope


[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*


boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen


cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty


ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir


First white Muslims in Boston, now a 7’0″ gay black pro athlete. Narrow-minded conservatives everywhere are having a very confusing month.


My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.