@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

You Might Also Like

@tastefactory

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

@thepaulahunt

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

@Merman_Melville

Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope

@AnkCoupleTO

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

@DuckhouseMedia

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

@KyleSmells

cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@Home_Halfway

WAITER: Are you ready?

ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare

WAITER: Fries?

ME: Curly

WAITER? Harry?

ME: Dirty

WAITER: Baby?

ME: Not in a corner

WAITER: Offers?

ME: Can’t be refused

WAITER: Excellent, sir

@NotChuckBarkley

First white Muslims in Boston, now a 7’0″ gay black pro athlete. Narrow-minded conservatives everywhere are having a very confusing month.

@novicefather

My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.