Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

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“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign


My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave


If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check


[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*


I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.


Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that


As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.


I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…


“Is your refrigerator running?”
“Hasn’t decided yet,” I say, winking at my refrigerator & hanging up. A “FRIDGE 2016” banner hangs above him