@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

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@shrimple_

me: *tossing and catching a baby*

her: OMG PUT HIM DOWN

me: stupid ugly baby

@thatUPSdude

Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.

@LMHPhotog

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS

YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF

DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

@jp_mcdade

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

@Tups13

There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.

@huntigula

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

@Shock_Monster

The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.

@paminski

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

@lord_zaidi

Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children