If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Moby-Dick is cool if you like stopping in the middle of a story about murdering a smart whale to think about all the different kinds of rope
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
cop: stop you’re breaking the law
me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
WAITER: Are you ready?
ME: Yes. I’ll have the burger, medium rare
ME: Not in a corner
ME: Can’t be refused
WAITER: Excellent, sir
First white Muslims in Boston, now a 7’0″ gay black pro athlete. Narrow-minded conservatives everywhere are having a very confusing month.
My favorite hobby is pretending to be surprised when my credit card is declined.