@shrimple_
me: *tossing and catching a baby*
her: OMG PUT HIM DOWN
me: stupid ugly baby
@Mom_Overboard
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
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@shrimple_
@thatUPSdude
Her: We have rats!
Me: We do?
Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!
Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.
@LMHPhotog
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS
YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS
YOU ARE EXPECTED TO SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF
DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
@jp_mcdade
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
@Tups13
There’s no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.
@huntigula
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
@iamspacegirl
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
@Shock_Monster
The cruelest part of the movie Bambi?nnnnHis mom named him “Bambi.” nnShe deserved what she got for that.
@paminski
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
@lord_zaidi
Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children