Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”

Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse