Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
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Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?