Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
You Might Also Like
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
So, can we agree on 4 or
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.