*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
what does he know…
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man