Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.

My Indian name is dances without coordination.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

Lmfao

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

[Bedroom at midnight]

*scary noises*

Husband: is… is someone in here?

*demonic sounds from the closet*

Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore

*sad demonic noises*

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day