Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.