Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

This will never not be funny to me.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?

Me: Because she agrees with me.

Also me, to me: Is he always like this?

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.