Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
You Might Also Like
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
A small tragedy.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Bless you
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.