Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel