Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
aura
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!