Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume

2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.

Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter