Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.

Curious…

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

any last words?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something