Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

Imagine having a party on purpose.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?

Original Oreos.

Stop making fast and furious movies.

Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:

They shrink everyone on earth on purpose

The planet will never run out of resources

Everyone is eaten by ants

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

Ain’t no way

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

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