Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

I have written yet another poem about laundry

Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Just ordered me some pizza!

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend