Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

goldfish mafia

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards

All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.

yeah…. right…

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.

Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”