Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?

#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Lmfaoooooo

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,

“Hi”.

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.