Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”

-nobody ever

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Gemma Correll

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.