Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-

“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

oh you like nyc? name every rat

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia