If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
You Might Also Like
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
#dnd #ttrpg
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
For the orator and chef in all of us
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.