Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
that would 100% work on me
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Breaking news:
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?