Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
me: my friends:
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May