Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
It be like that sometimes 😆
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I disagree with my politics
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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e
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a
n
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
In space, no one can hear…
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.