Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

going to bed

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

good let them take over I have had enough

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much