Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

is it earth

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.