Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:

1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come

Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.

A recipe for laughter

Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.