Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.