Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I seriously can’t stop laughing 😂😂
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing