Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do


Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads


Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.


If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.


Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?

Her: Sparkling water.


“Bro she’s a cold digger”
[later with gf]
Do you only want me for my germs?
[she stops licking my face]
Why would you ask that?


“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing