@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

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@i_wasnt_looking

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

@anerdonfire2

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

@FBSisnothere

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

@chimneyspotter

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

@iSamJack

It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.

@tdwyer618

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.

@donni

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

@LackOfShame

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

@Inferno_V

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.