Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

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I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.


I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.


When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.


GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!


It’s just sad how often I
see zookeepers breaking their own
‘Dont Feed the Animals’ rule.


The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price is Right” audience.


ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it


16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.


A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.