@jctwritesstuff

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*

Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!

- @jctwritesstuff

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[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

@MidlifeDish

“This is the last time I’m going to tell you!”
*Biggest lie parents tell kids

“And I mean it.”
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves

@Stellacopter

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

@prozdkp

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

@BarryVonAwesome

Do you know who REALLY gets irony?

Skydiving schools.

Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!

*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

@Schmoodles

I often find myself rewording a long tweet so many times that it completely loses the original subject. This one started off about a cat.

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@NicestHippo

Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies