Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
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Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
LOL!
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*