Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s