Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.

Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.

if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

checking out some reviews of my local library

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

Generation gap…

Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket

Deer are just ballerina dogs

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”