Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Only a mother’s love …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.