Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

[First Date]

Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

Me: … No worries!

Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

phew

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room