Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You Tolkien to me?

Hobbit de Niro.

#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

i hate you platonically

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

Me: my tooth hurts when I suck

Dentist: so you’re in constant pain

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

[I dont get invited to a party]

me: shit

[I get invited to a party]

me: Shit.

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”