*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
eggs benadryl
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.