DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
me
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity