Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

Simple enough.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE