dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
You Might Also Like
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.