dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
i dont have time for this
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
finally found a reasonable question
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.