Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien