Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Dog 911: what’s ur emer-

Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME

Dog 911: so?

Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE

Dog 911: OMG

Dog: OMG

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Midwest trash talk

Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.