Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.