Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

[God creating chihuahuas]

“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

is there nothing we can trust anymore

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.