Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?

Fleeced Navidad

#GoldCrackers

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

also my go-to takeaway order

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me