@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

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@Midgetspar

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

@lloydrang

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

@insoMOMniac

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

@kyry5

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

@girl_a_whirl

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

@OkieGirl405

This is a fake tweet, someone asked me to put their # in my phone so I’m pretending to add it to my contacts

@david8hughes

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

@daemonic3

[helping kid with math]

me: what is 0.1 as a fraction?

kid: one tenth

me: good, and what does 10% mean?

kid: battery low, plug in your phone

me: perfect

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?