“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”
Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
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me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit