Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I love you to the refrigerator and back

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

Before crowbars crows drank alone

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.