Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.