DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Creepy-crawlies
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.