DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”