Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself

I beg your pardon?

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?