Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.

Husband: Oh really?

Me: Yeah, it was……

Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……

Me: The gif that keeps on giving.

*Husband leaves room.

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.

Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.