dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Made a mistake at work and my supervisor was like, “this is magical” so I said “ta-da!” and they laughed and this is how I will be announcing all of my mistakes from now on.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My brain is a bad influence on me
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy