Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*

Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911

Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*