Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

This forever.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:

You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.

it wasn’t ebola

it wasn’t trump

it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year

it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.