Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Me: *buys item from online retailer*

Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

alfred: you have lung cancer

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman:

alfred:

batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir, no

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms

Californians forget how to drive when it rains

God: send them snow

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.