Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
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everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police