Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.