Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.

me: my back hurts

doctor: have you tried voting

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

Good morning

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn