[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
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Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.