Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.