Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Breaking news:
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.