Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.