Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs
I had to Stop for this
#IWishIHadNever noticed
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
According to math, I’m broke
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.