Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer