Doggies just call it style.
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Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
What personal space?
My dog
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday