Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.