Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.