Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’