Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.