Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
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Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
☠️ ☠️
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Well, this is awkward
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.