Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
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Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.