Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.