Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.